Episode Transcript:
David: All right, hello everyone and welcome to our next episode of LIFE Conversations. I'm David Chandler, and I am sharing that my co-host was recently a contributor to a couple of Fox News articles, one on, and we're gonna be talking about dementia today. Christina is gonna be sharing some of her expertise in dementia. She was recently a contributor in an article called "Dementia Warning: Don't Ever Say These 16 Things to Your Loved Ones with Dementia." And then also the other article was for "Dementia Advice: Here Are 16 Safe Things to Say to Your Loved One." And I'm so excited about today's episode. I know every time that Christina shares, Christina is our dementia extraordinaire expert at Senior Helpers. And I always learn from all of her knowledge that she's gained over the years and working with people like Teepa Snow. So Christina, let's dive in and we're actually gonna start with some of the warnings about dementia. Just if you can share some of the things you shared in the article about some phrases to avoid when talking to people with dementia.
Christina: Yeah, think these are, this is really important because I think we get caught up sometimes and when we're a loved one that we know who has dementia or you are a caregiver for taking care of someone with dementia and you know, the day could start out really smoothly and all of a sudden it could just go south because just of one comment that you said could really change things.
And there are some just some basic things to think about when with a person as dementia and what that conversation, because you should have conversations. It's really important, but we want to be able to put the right words together. And the one, the number one, one wonderful phrase that people just get completely caught up on all the time is "Don't you remember?"
David: Gosh, yeah.
Christina: Because the fact is they don't remember. And especially if it's you're dealing with something that's in their short term memory. And when I look at short term, I'm looking at today or even going back a few months. one of the ways, and this is a very simplistic way, and this is not for everyone, but it helps people kind of get a visual of things they do remember. And so an easy way to kind of begin to think about it is so if someone has dementia...
David: And it's so hard.
Christina: Think about a ladder. So a ladder that's on the ground and the ladder and the spokes that go all the way up. And at the top of the ladder are your short-term memories. And at the bottom are your long-term memories, the memories that you had as a child, growing up as a teenager, as a young adult. Those are all your older memories and you have your newer memories. And what happens with dementia as it progresses, and this is not a perfect scenario for everybody, but it's easy to understand that your short-term memories you're going to lose first. So let's think of the ladder getting lower, lower, and lower. So in early stages of dementia, it may be things that you thought about, you know, a week ago or a month ago, you know, those are those short-term, but as time goes on, it could go into a conversation that you had an hour ago, 15 minutes ago.
And we have a habit of going back to our person and saying, "Well, don't you remember we had that conversation that, remember I told you that I was coming to visit you? Don't you remember that the kids called and we are going to have this event on Tuesday?" And that gets very frustrating. And especially in the earlier stages and mid-stage of dementia, because it's frustrating when you don't remember something. That's hard. And then the more that someone is saying that to you, the more demoralized and what we find out is a lot of people will just shut down and not say anything because they're afraid to say something or afraid to answer and they're just nodding their head even though they don't remember because they don't want to, they don't want to feel that way.
David: And I know that's one of the phrases. It's so hard when somebody who's not been in this situation before hasn't had a loved one that has gone through having a diagnosis of dementia. And I empathize so much for them because you want them so desperately to remember. And it's really hard. I know I've had to educate my family when they've...
Christina: I know.
David: ...when my grandfather had dementia and so the family, "Dad, don't you remember when this happened? you know, how come you don't, gosh, when it gets started getting advanced and they don't recognize you. And just my heart goes out to the people that are listening that are in that situation. And you want so badly to have that reaction of don't you remember, don't you know who I am? And...
They just, don't, it's not their fault. It's not that they don't want to, but getting this education, going through and learning some of the, having some dementia training education, we have some of those resources available, but it is a very common question that can be very agitating to people with dementia is they want to remember, but they just don't.
Christina: I know. Nope, they don't, unfortunately. Another thing that kind of goes along with that sometimes is like pointing out where things are wrong, that they're wrong, that they told you something that's incorrect. And that also can be very frustrating as well. So again, we're talking about you want to build a positive relationship with someone and connect with them. And when you say something like, "Well, no, that's wrong mom, That's not how you do it. No, you don't...
David: Yeah.
Christina: ...you don’t make eggs that way. You never did that before. No, you don't drive. Remember, you don't drive anymore." The more that you do that, the more angry they're going to get. And sometimes it's better versus having an argument with them because it's really easy to get in an argument just to kind of defuse the situation and just say you're sorry. Right. And even though you have nothing to be sorry about, to defuse it and try to get to the point where you say something positive and defuse it and say you're sorry, because you're not going to win. The problem is you're not going to win the argument because they don't have any reference around why you're telling them that they're wrong. And so it's hard to kind of say that, but it's really better just to kind of let it go, defuse it, let it go, let them feel calmed down, and then move on to another topic.
Another thing that I find, and this is for our caregivers, is when they treat the person with dementia like they're a child, and they're not; they are an adult. So doing things like, "Good job, that's good job, you put your shoes on!" or "Hey, let me help you, let me help you button that up?" And using more of the way you would talk to a five-year-old, and talking to a person with dementia in the same tone is not the right way to build a relationship. It is not a way to connect with them. These folks who have dementia, they are adults, right? And they need to be treated like adults. So you want to use kind of that adult type of language, you know, when you're having that conversation. And I like to talk about using more visual cues versus, you know, especially in mid-stage and later stage dementia...
Using more visual cues. Instead of saying, "Why don't you take a sip of that drink? Take a sip. Take a sip of that drink. I told you to take a sip of that drink." You're better off going here, or you take yours and take a sip and then hand them the cup. So you visually show them what you want. So it just goes back to finding different ways to talk to or to show what you want them to do and avoid the things that will get you into an argument.
David: So those are some great tips on things not to say. What are some phrases that you can use that are good for loved ones?
Christina: Mm-hmm. Well, one of the things I like to do to get somebody to do something you want them to do is ask them for help. Ask them to help you. So instead of saying, "It's time to get your coat on, it's time to go out. We've got to go to the doctor's appointment," and you're giving them directions, directions, directions. You say, "Hey, can you help me? I need to find my coat. And I believe we have an appointment. Can you help me figure this out?" Giving them the directions of where to go so that they can point out where to go. So giving them something to do when they're in the car. But even if like getting them to eat something, like, you know, coming into the kitchen to sit down, "Hey, can you help me? I'm trying to find the napkins. Can you help me put the silverware out? Can you help me place them?" And by asking for help, they're more willing to come and help you out because you've asked for it, right? And they want to help out. Everybody wants to help somebody else out, especially if you have a good connection to them. Asking for help is a really great way to get them going. Just say, "Come in and help me. I need your help." And it empowers a person, like, "Well, of course I'll help you. I'll help you. What do you need?" And especially when you're talking about mother, child...
David: And we'll see time.
Christina: And a daughter is always a daughter, no matter how old you are, and a son is always a son, no matter how old you are. Especially using that relationship of a mother and daughter or a father and son or mother and son, that's a better way to kind of get them going and get them wanting to do something that you want them to do.
Here’s the next section of the transcript:
David: A couple of my favorites from that article were the reassuring kind of soft phrases like "You're safe," or "It's okay if you don't remember, let's just enjoy this moment together."
Christina: Yes, yes. Those are all so important, right? And it's hard, it's hard because you're trying, you want to have this conversation, but it's to enjoy the moment and the time that we're together. I feel like one of the things at Senior Helpers that we really focus on in the philosophy behind our Alzheimer's and Dementia Care Program is focusing not on what they can't do, but focusing on what they can do. And so that's a real way to go in and go, "Well, what can they still do?" And for many times, they can still do a lot of things. And we want to focus on those things of enjoyment and things that they can do versus something that they cannot do. And that's where those connections really happen. I'm also a fan of giving choices. So focusing on this or this versus too many choices.
So, for example, if you're trying to get somebody to get dressed and maybe it's a pair of shoes, you offer black shoes or white shoes. So you're actually giving them two choices, and they have to decide. They have to make a decision on which ones they want versus putting your, "Come on, get your shoes on," versus giving them a choice. Because then they have a choice. It empowers them. "I'll take the white shoes," and then they're going to start putting them on. So providing those simple choices that also help during mealtimes or things that you want them to do, providing a couple of choices, because if not, they're going to say, "I don’t want to." No, I don’t want to at all, versus opening the door and allowing them to make that choice is a really great thing.
Another thing I like to talk about is not being afraid to laugh. Don’t be afraid to like, you know, when something silly happens, or they say something and you say something that doesn’t make any sense and we make a mistake, and then they make a mistake. Don’t be afraid to laugh about it because laughing is a way that we can build a connection with someone, just connecting on that level. And they love it. It's funny when people make mistakes and be okay about that for them to laugh at you as well. I find when I observe people who care for people with dementia, they typically find those funny connections and things that they can just laugh about. And it really changes the whole perspective.
David: So one of the other phrases that was mentioned in the article was talking about saying things like, "Tell me about this photo." And we have a tool that we use at Senior Helpers, "101 Ways to Reminisce," and you can find this tool. It's such a great tool. I was reading through it again earlier, and I just love these questions, these ways to engage with people that have a diagnosis of dementia. But let's talk about this tool for a little bit. Let's talk about some of the ways, some of the questions that we can ask people with dementia that will help them to reminisce and help them to kind of break that cycle, take that focus away from any agitation, and have some different level of engagement.
Christina: Yeah. Well, reminiscing is a gift, honestly, and goes back to that ladder kind of analogy. So think about all your memories, your late memories that you have when you were a child and a young adult and raising young children. Those are powerful memories and they’re muscle built. I mean, you’re going to have them around for a long time. And when you bring something in that’s visual, like a photograph or a movie, or you bring something auditory in like a song they reminisce or a poem or even a Bible verse, and you say those, all these connections begin to happen, and you’re able to have really great conversations. And ultimately, that's reminiscing. And there's a therapy around reminiscing, the importance of reminiscing. And this is not just for people with dementia, but really for everyone.
It allows a person to share their personal experiences that they had. And when you have such an age difference of someone who, let's just say, is in their 80s or 90s, it’s wonderful to hear stories, right? To go back and hear stories of times when they were young, right? And especially if you are a person in, let's just say, your early 20s and you're meeting someone older. I still love reminiscing with someone who is so much older than me because, you know, and I’m old these days, you know, to really learn about what it was like when they were a child and what kind of cars that they drove and what kind of food they ate and, you know, what was it like when they went to school. Those are just really, really cool things to do with anyone.
David: Yeah. I actually did that with my dad recently. He doesn’t have a diagnosis of dementia, but I was reading this article in a men’s magazine that talked about some of the regrets that men had. And one of them was, "I wish I would have had 20 questions, basic reminiscing questions, that I wish I would have asked my dad before he passed away." So I actually took those, took my dad out to lunch, and we did this together. It was an amazing activity.
Christina: Wow.
David: And talking about that, I think whenever I hear about this reminiscing or the poems, in a previous job, I was working at a memory care. And every Christmas I would go to the memory care. And these were people that had late-stage dementia. Some of them were just about nonverbal at this point. And I would always go down, and at Christmas time, I would read "’Twas the Night Before Christmas." And people that I was very surprised about would remember parts of it. When I would start the story with, "’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a..." and I would pause, and they would all say, "mouse." Like, everybody in the whole memory care, all the residents. And I would do it sometimes over and over and over again. We would sit there and just read the story multiple times a week, multiple times a day.
Christina: Wow. Yep.
David: And I just love that. So just looking at a few of these questions, like, "Can you tell me about your first paycheck?" "Can you tell me about your wedding day?" "What was your favorite place to visit in your hometown?" I mean, there’s this list of 101 questions. You could have conversation after conversation after conversation and probably repeat the questions over and over again.
Christina: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
David: So I’d really encourage our listeners to go check out this tool. It is just great as a way to have these conversations. And like you said, going to the bottom of that ladder and bringing up some of those memories, you may even find out things about your loved one that you never knew about. I never asked my grandfather about it, and I wish, gosh, I wish I would have, I really wish I would have had a tool like this then.
Christina: There you go.
David: To better engage them, have better conversations, help them with that anxiety, that frustration that they were feeling. Just help them to feel calm and say, "Let’s engage in something else and have some fun together. Let’s relax together. Let’s enjoy this moment together, even though this is where you’re at at this time in your life."
Christina: I know it’s really important, and I think, you know, especially for our listeners out there who are caregivers and you know, on a day-to-day basis, a lot of the things they’re doing are based around tasks. And I get that there are things in the day to help you help your loved one out. But I would really encourage everyone to take some time every single day and just sit and reminisce. And I think what will happen, or at least it kind of brings back those connections and the joy that you all felt. And you almost get the person that you used to know back a little bit, right? Because you’re getting that connection. And I think one of the things I think is the hardest for anybody when caring for someone with dementia is you have to accept them how they are today, not as they were. And that’s not an easy thing to do. That’s probably one of the most difficult things.
And by reminiscing, and especially about things in those earlier memories in your life, it can kind of bring a little bit of that connection back.
David: So, Christina, as we’re wrapping up, do you have any other resources or anywhere you can point our listeners to for additional information?
Christina: So at Senior Helpers, we have lots of information around our Alzheimer's and Dementia Care program, Senior Gems. And there is a video that can be downloaded, and it gives kind of a high-level overview of what Senior Gems is all about. But there are also lots of other resources out there to learn more. One of the people that I respect very much in the Alzheimer's and Dementia Care world is Teepa Snow and her company, Positive Approach to Care. Another one is PK Beville, who has a business called Second Wind Dreams, and she has the Virtual Dementia Tour. That's a very powerful tool. We've talked about that on one of our podcasts. It probably gives you an eight-minute experience of what it feels like to have dementia. Those are also really good tools.
And another interesting one, and this is the first time I’m bringing it up, is that really following Montessori has developed a program around dementia. Typically, you always think about it with children, but a lot of the tools and the programs they have around that really have a profound and powerful way to build connections and provide activities and things for people to do.
David: Absolutely. So much good information.
Christina: Let me do one more. I have to put a shout-out for Town Square. This is an adult day concept. There are not as many Town Squares out there yet around the country, but I would Google it, TownSquare.net. It is a revolutionary adult day concept that really focuses on people with cognitive issues.
David: Yeah.
Christina: It really brings you back into a 1950s, 60s Main Street with lots of interesting activities. And it’s really revolutionary when we think about day programming.
David: So much great information today. And if you’re just listening for the first time, Christina was mentioning some of our heroes in the world of dementia. And we’ve had several of them on as our guests in previous episodes. So please do check those out if you’re in the world of providing dementia care or if you have a loved one that has dementia. There are a lot of great resources and information in those episodes as well.
All right. Yeah, absolutely. And we have some other really exciting episodes coming up, so we look forward to having everyone join us again for our next episode of LIFE Conversations.
Christina: Yeah, well, this was fun.
David: All right.
