Unfair Caregiving Responsibilities Between Adult Siblings: How to Resolve Them During the Holidays
Adult siblings don't always share caregiving responsibilities for their elderly parents equally. Whether distance or disinterest, siblings do not always approach parental care from the same perspective. As the primary caregiver, the different attitudes can be frustrating. During the holidays, it can be infuriating.
For families residing in Oahu, the holidays can be complicated by siblings returning to the island for the holidays. Not only do they want to spend time with family, but there are also friends to see and activities to enjoy. So how can primary caregivers resolve the inequity during the holidays?
Senior Helpers Moanalua-Honolulu has the following tips for resolving caregiving conflicts during the holidays.
When Siblings Disagree on Care
Adult siblings don't always see parental caregiving the same. Sometimes they have different opinions on caregiving options, preferring in-home to facility care. Siblings who do not see their parents frequently may believe they are doing fine, while family living closer may see they need help. Sometimes, siblings perceive primary caregivers as exaggerating the situation and do not take their concerns seriously.
Before the holidays, request an outside assessment. Schedule safety evaluations and talk to medical professionals. Assemble a third-party analysis of parental care requirements and share it with the family. Periodic assessments ensure that everyone is working from the same information.
When Siblings Disagree on Responsibilities
Siblings often carry their youthful perceptions of each other into adulthood. If Sally was the responsible one, her siblings might assume she will be the primary caregiver. Because Sam lives the closest, his siblings might assume he will take on the responsibility. However, those may not be the roles that Sally and Sam want.
Even as adults, siblings often revert to childhood behaviors. They may look at disputes through the childish all-or-nothing lens and find it difficult to compromise. Adults who have primary caregiving responsibilities should communicate those duties clearly and concisely. What may be obvious to someone who interacts with their senior loved ones is not even on the radar for a sibling living thousands of miles away.
Rather than assume that everyone understands caregiving responsibilities, identify what is needed. Outline what is required under different areas of care, such as:
- Monitoring medications.
- Assessing medical needs.
- Developing and updating a care plan.
- Assisting with basic living activities such as eating, bathing, or grooming.
- Providing companionship to lessen feelings of isolation and depression.
- Housekeeping assistance such as cleaning, laundry, or cooking.
- Providing transportation.
- Assisting with mobility.
In addition to these responsibilities, adult children may need to provide financial and legal assistance, whether paying bills or resolving healthcare issues.
Presenting an objective list of what is needed defines the tasks that adult siblings should share. How those requirements are met is up to the sibling. Providing care personally or through financial support should be viewed as an equal contribution.
When Caregiving is Unfair
Caregiving responsibilities are rarely equal. One sibling ultimately becomes the primary caregiver. That responsibility can be overwhelming, especially around the holidays when to-do lists seem to grow overnight.
Viewing the inequity as unfair can create resentment. Primary caregivers should communicate their needs, starting with an objective assessment of what elderly parents need. During the holidays, create a schedule and ask siblings to help. If they are unwilling to help, ask if they will provide financial support to hire someone to provide in-home care.
Senior Helpers Moanalua-Honolulu provides in-home care and companionship for individuals in the Honolulu and Fort Shafter area. Our trained staff can help with mobility issues, offer companionship, and assist with basic living needs. Contact Senior Helpers Moanalua-Honolulu to learn more about our services.